It had been years of trying , crying and pain. I had spent the last couple of years of my life desperately trying to make another life and was basically failing miserably at this basic biological act.
My husband and I had gotten married young…so we were in no rush to start a family and take on the responsibility of another human being especially as we were not yet sure if we could even take care of ourselves. So after a couple of years of marriage we decided the time had come to go from 2 to 3.
And that decision changed my life….6 months later every aunt worth her salt had given me some or the other advice on how to have a child. 6 months more and we decided to actually give each of those methods a whirl.
After 2 years of advice taking and implementation we found ourselves in front of an infertility specialist nervous like it was our 10th boards again and wanting to know who had done better and who needed to improve and the almost let down when she said “oh, both your reports are fine, there doesn’t seem to be any issue in you conceiving a child”. Well then why was it not happening?
We obviously then went through the entire gamut of treatments ranging from monitoring, IUI and finally IVF. Through this entire time I was dealing with not only physical pain due to injections, ultrasounds and more than normally painful periods , I was also going through major depression induced partly by the medicines and partly by a sense of disbelief that this was happening to me. My husband tried to support me but well, he was fighting his own demons.
And then one day while injecting myself (I had to take 4 injections a day, it was more practical to learn how to give myself an injection than go to the hospital 4 times a day), I finally broke. I shed tears for a child which was not born and apologized for not being able to endure more pain to bring her to this world.
That day both of us looked at each other and finally accepted that this was not working out for us. We were finally able to speak to each other and realized that both of us had been too scared to tell the other that this desperation to have a child was instead of bringing us together pulling us apart.
And the day that I accepted that we may never go from 2 to 3 was the day I was liberated. My depression dissipated within a few months and my relationship with my husband improved. Through the entire 5 years of trying I had felt as if a gun was on my head and today I feel carefree and alive.
It is important to try and make something work but it is equally important to accept that you may fail .That acceptance allows you to live your life to the fullest!
This post is part of the #atozchallenge with a-to-z challenge.com